Saturday, 1 April 2017

The Calpol Brigade

I have come to a realisation recently. Elijah is ill, A LOT. He is basically a germ factory. Or he is licking
everything, I do catch him doing this quite often. I even caught him putting his head down the toilet the other day.  I don't think we ever go for longer than a month or so before germs invade the house, and take us out one by one. He does not really get ill any more than a child of his age, in fact I think he is considered one of the healthy ones. He even takes his squidgy vitamin once a day which I am pretty sure is just a wine gum in disguise. But, every so often BAM! The house becomes an array of half empty Calpol bottles, snotty tissues, vomit/snot/ any other unidentifiable bodily fluid on the sofa and round the clock Disney films with three sleep deprived zombies inhabiting it. One thing that is certain he will always be ill when we have something planned, work,a night out, or for the last two years on my actual birthday. 

It comes in stages, normally it is at it's peak in the winter months but I have begun to recognise the tell tale signs. A few days before the illness officially breaks, it will go one of two ways. Elijah will sleep really well (thus lulling me into a false sense of security) or he won't be sleeping at all and it is put down to another, 'phase'. He becomes Damien from the Omen and begins to act out, and gets angry at the smallest things, you know like looking at him. Then upon closer examination a small snot trail escapes from his nostril and all begins to make sense. Or a small spot is found and the yells of, 'GREG, GET THE GLASS, WE NEED TO DO THE GLASS TEST!' can be heard from across the land. Cue lots of photos (normally of his bum) mass sent out to every mother, father, grandmother and anyone who may remotely be able to identify this spot. Which is normally just that, a spot.

As a NICU Mum, I have been known to slightly panic at times and haul him down to the Doctors at the slightest sign he is not 100%. This in the beginning was very tedious, a GP would look at his history and send to send us directly to hospital. They then confirmed a cold and 5 hours later, tired, hungry and stressed we would be sent home again. After nearly three years I have relaxed slightly, but I do have a ready stock of Calpol, 'magic cream' and vapour refills that would rival Boots. I mean when you really need it why is it that every bottle you have seems to be empty? Why have we kept them if they are all empty? Why on one day can you find 500 of those syringes and when you actually need one you have to improvise with a spoon and end up coating you, the kid and the whole house in a sticky pink residue? Why are they in my handbag making it a glorified ant farm?

I do tend to go into overdrive when he is ill, basically becoming Florence Nightingale but with more sweaty cuddles. I even let him sleep with me if he wants, it is easier than getting up 200 times in an hour. It is fairly laborious, however I enjoy a nice day time nap on the sofa as much as the next person. This normally is rudely interrupted by Elijah's snoring or him coughing so much he vomits. All over me. Normally after eating Babybells. We normally stay quarantined for a couple of days, watching Toy Story and Mr Tumble on repeat with me in my slightly sick stained pj's and not washing my hair. This is usually due to the excessive amount of washing he has created, when every sheet/pillowcase/cat that has to be washed again and again.

Image result for calpol drawing
Drawing Credit; Life; page 77; Cody and Calpol; DoodleMum
We are fairly lucky, so far we haven't had anything too bad other than some pretty nasty chest infections. The illusive chicken pox/ hand, foot and mouth and sickness bugs have not yet graced us with their presence. Colds though? We have probably had about 20+ in the last few months and they all go on to his chest which leads to a lot of coughing which turns to vomiting and then the cycle continues with me and Greg then becoming ill ourselves.I have never been so ill in all my life, how long does this last? Until he leaves home? What happens when I have two of these germ attractors? Will I ever set foot outside of the house again? (I am now Googling Family germ protector bubbles.We can become the bubble family).

So after Elijah's last bout of illness seems to have left the building, for now. I thought I would put together some top tips for having an ill toddler!

Or a survivalguide if you will.
 
1. You will not be getting out the house or getting anything done, don't even bother trying.
2. Become at one with the sofa after all you're not getting off it for at least two days.
3. Stash a full bottle of Calpol somewhere, so you know you are stocked up then forget where you have put it.Try and scrape the last drips of the empty one out at 3AM and end up with the little plastic protector coming off and coating your hand in the last dosage. Consider scraping this off hand onto spoon.
4. Don't let Nan round, as much as she is a help, no one wants to see Nan thrown up on. She then may get the dreaded lurgy and have to cancel future babysitting duties!
5. Just accept in two days time, you will feel like crap, and the little bugger has made you ill AGAIN. Cancel your appointments now, less hassle.
6.If you do the drop off at nursery and smell sick come home and bathe in bleach. #breedingground
7.You can never have enough Calpol.
8. Google is a friend, and also an enemy especially with identifying rashes be weary it is fairly likely your child does not have small pox,the plague or a tropical disease when they don't even have a passport yet.
9. Eat biscuits. Everything is better with a biscuit. (Or if after 11am drink GIN, and you are not 6m up the duff, *sigh*.)
10. No matter what you will instantly regret trying to catch sick in your hands.

If you have an ill toddler right now reading this, have learnt all the words to the 'Goodbye, Goodbye' song before 7AM, been up all night, are covered in sick, haven't washed in a few days, or are considering eating the Oreo you have spotted under the sofa or having to wash the cat with a wet wipe after snot has been wiped on her again. This is dedicated to you. 

I salute you all, we are all in the Calpol Brigade.

p.s this post was not way endorsed by Calpol.

p.p.s It should be I am a great spoke person.

p.p.p.s Calpol, call me.




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